did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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