I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
