I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
