i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
