I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize