Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Randomize
