tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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