i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
