You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
