Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
