I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I cut my penus on the lid.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
