I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
