I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
