yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
They took my balls.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize