I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Randomize
