it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
