you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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