I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
