it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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