So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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