look no pants
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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