This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
