dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
