If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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