I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize