Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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