I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
