someone threw a dead crab at me
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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