I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
