walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
