I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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