dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
