I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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