I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
