Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize