two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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