The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
