Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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