just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
