life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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