they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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