DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
