i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
