I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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