I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
