eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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