I wish I could punch you in the face.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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