I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
