Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
