i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
