yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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