Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
