Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
