no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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