I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
