I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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