WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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