I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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