I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I need a burrito and a hug.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
