I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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