he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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