She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
