Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
