Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
