I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
