please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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